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Wednesday, August 15, 2018

SwampButt Underwear Asks What Season Is It?

It is not fall, but advertising purchased in the tens of millions of dollars would have Americans believe otherwise. A disconnect between calendars, thermometers and so called ‘fall back to school’ sales did not escape the makers of SwampButt Underwear’s™ notice (www.swampbutt.com). What happened and how did this revelation appear to SwampButt Underwear and what does it portend for the coming school year? Don’t get fooled again.

The So Called ‘Fall’ Back To School Sale

The makers of SwampButt Underwear wanted to have a ‘fall back to school’ sale for their popular brand of performance underwear, but there were several things that seemed to both work against and confuse them. Among these were when school starts, and what season is this? Those ads declared ‘fall back to school’ but is it really fall? “School does not start in fall, it starts during the month of August,” said corporate spokesman and resident phenologist Nick Heraldson. “This was our first clue. There was a disconnect between the calendar, the thermometer and the start of school and we wanted to know why; who benefited and what was the motivation behind this deception.” Was there a possible conspiracy that tied the winter clothing and fall leaf removal industries to back to school sales?

School Starts But It’s Not Fall

Most of America’s school students, teachers and staff are back to work and studies full time in August but that is not the popular notion. According to the Wikipedia, “the first day of school for many school districts is on the Wednesday or Thursday after Labor Day (first Monday in September).” Here in Texas, the Austin and Dallas schools first day is August 20, 2018.  San Antonio schools started August 13, 2018. The state of Texas requires districts to not start school prior to the fourth Monday in August which is August 27, 2018 and also the day Houston schools start.  But a quick inventory of news stories about other ‘back to school’ sales found that the word ‘fall’ was used. “You can tell that it is not fall because it is still hot. And there is documented evidence as well. According to our calendars and thermometers, August is not fall,” Heraldson said. “Fall starts September 22, 2018.”

Figure 1 A temperature map of the USA shows that the temperature on the first day of school will be hot. The only thing to do is wear SwampButt Underwear to wick away sweat. Map courtesy of USA Today.

It’s The Juxtaposition Stupid

The people at SwampButt Underwear quickly concluded that merchandise advertising and temperatures were out of sync. The things offered by the some in the fashion industry in their ‘fall back to school sales’ were sweaters, long sleeved shirts, long pants and outerwear. The home DIY industry peddled rakes for leaves, leaf blowers, big plastic bags to put leaves in and other leaf disposal related merchandise. But a temperature map from The Weather Channel predicts temperatures on August 20, 2018 in the 90’s from Boise to Albuquerque as far east as Atlanta and all points south. Temperatures in the high to mid 80’s were predicted from Seattle to Minneapolis, Chicago, and over to Washington D.C. and up to New York City. “It isn’t fall, there will be very few people in the lower 48 states wearing sweaters and raking leaves when school starts,” Heraldson predicted. So what is the only possible explanation? “This is clearly a conspiracy that lawn and leaf merchants along with certain garment outlets have conspired on to convince us that because school started, it is cool and fall outside when it isn’t. That’s pure evil right there.”

Fight Big Leaf!

Heraldson believes that the best way to fight against the sweater and ‘big leaf’ industry is to declare the truth and act on it. “Take grandmas’ knitting needles away from her, it’s too hot for a sweater,” he declared. “Instead of buying clothes that are for cool weather or coaxing the leaves off trees, so you can rake them, wear SwampButt Underwear instead,” he recommended. “It’s hot, it’s August and summer, not fall.”

 About SwampButt Underwear

Men’s Performance SwampButt Underwear is perfect for the guy who has sweat issues south of the belt or just likes to be comfortable. These incredible drawers were created to draw sweat away from the skin and are made with 91% polyester and 9% spandex.
  • Form fitting with natural coverage
  • Wicks away moisture for improved wear-ability
  • Quick drying
  • Extends to mid-thigh
  • Great strength and resilience
  • Signature logo on waistband
  • Machine wash and dry
SwampButt Underwear™ is a registered trademark in the USA and other countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use it without permission. 

NOTE: Phenology is the study of periodic plant and animal life cycle events and how these are influenced by seasonal and interannual variations in climate, as well as habitat factors (such as elevation).

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